J.K. Who?

I think a lot about the dark ages. They are called the dark ages because so little is known about them. This happened because literacy was so low that no written word was kept.

I think of today as the modern dark ages. Everyone knows at least a little about classical music even if it only to name Mozart and Beethoven. Everyone has heard of Shakespeare and Dickens, even if they know little about their work. Why? Because anyone can copy it, change it, make it their own. Now with copyright laws at modern standards, the red Italian plumber can only appear in licensed Nintendo products, movies cannot be shown without express consent, you can't play music even at a charity event without writing your soul over to the RIAA in a contract of your own blood and you had better believe you will never see a Harry Potter book without J.K. Rowlins name on the cover.

If the system breaks down, all these figures will be lost within a generation. I guess that is a small price to pay for no-one to know who Celine Dion or Britney Spears are. Yeah yeah I know, "Leave Britney Alone". I could also live my life not knowing who he is either.

Just go around back.

I am at times astounded by our willingness to believe the improbable. Nigerian scams come to mind.

I think Nigerian scams become more plausible as you become more successful. If you run a company and someone sends you an email imploring help discretely moving about large sums of money... well that is at least vaguely believable. If you program in a dark cubicle such as myself, well you have to ask yourself if really you are the right man for the job. I mean hell, I can't even balance my checkbook - are you really sure you want me in charge of your swimming pool of cash?

On a different improbable note I remember hearing about the zookeeper who died because of an avalanche of elephant poo suffocating him and never even thought (at the time) that this one might be just a little bit untrue.

Still though, being able to list "Elephant Shit" as your cause of death on your application for a new existence has got to warrant a second look of your resume. A real backdoor approach at reincarnation.

Judgement (of the) Day

My big complaint against capitalism is that we don't actually use it. The worst lawyer ever will always make more than the best cleaner. Yeah I get that more people can clean thus making the job inherently pay less but where is the reward for excellence.

I bet when robots take over it will be different. At the days end the number of electric shocks you get from the cattle prod is inversely proportional to your performance at your assigned task.

At least, that's how I would do it.

It is pronounced her-b not er-b

Often people remark as to whether I have any right to celebrate Thanksgiving being a Brit living in America. Normally this is a flagrant attempt to extol the fairness of me working over the holiday.

To them I say one thing. I will stop giving thanks when you start using the language correctly. It is still called "English" after all.

The price of poor planning

I am always astounded by the concept that suicide is illegal. Someone is so sad they wish to depart this world, they fail and then they get arrested for it?

I think anyone who attempts suicide should be given a mug of hot chocolate, a cookie and a big hug.

Mind you, that might be sending the wrong message too.

Wishing for Pros

I am disgusted whenever I hear a story involving wishing where the wisher wants more wishes. Not because that is morally reprehensible but because they are obviously doing it wrong. Wishes should not be bestowed upon amateurs because you KNOW that all they are going to get out of the whole experience is a life lesson. You can get life lessons by watching Oprah so leave the wishing up to us pros.

The secret to good wishing is poor punctuation.

If you cannot get everything you want with one wish you have no place asking for one. To those negative nancy's who say it is greedy to ask for so much, I still have room for a mop up wish and then a final one to release the genie so who is selfish now?

A successful wish should follow the following format:

I wish I had the ability to change the physical age and appearance of anyone by thinking about it and I was rich and I can cure disease and I can read the minds of others and I had a castle and a pony named silver and ... etc

If you need to gather additional breath simply put up a finger to indicate you are not done.

Production Problems

I find the concept of mass producing Placenta Shampoo to be simply staggering.

Whenever I try and imagine gathering the tonnes of placenta needed, all I can picture is some guy skidding in to a delivery room Kramer style. The woman's legs still up in stirrups, the baby is in the doctor's hands. With no introduction the shampoo company acquisition guy nods to the bloody bag on the floor.

"Are you all done with that?"

I bet you would have to dress that job up on your resume.

Surviving Atomic Attack

Back in the fifties they used to have nuclear attack drills, where you would cower beneath your desk or in the cellar in preparedness for kissing your ass goodbye during nuclear attack. Eventually they stopped doing them. Most people say it is because we wised up and realized there was no surviving a nuclear strike.

I take a different view. Spiderman came out in the early sixties. I think since then we have just all been waiting until the day when we too get our super powers. I have been spending a lot of time wondering what I want to be if I hit the nuclear lottery and I have decided I want to be a lifeless radioactive husk. I bet no-one else has thought of that one.

Human It's what's for dinner.

The phrase goes "It's always darkest before the dawn." I respectfully disagree. The other day I was up before dawn and it was really kind of light.

I say it is always darkest in the middle of the night when you are in the woods. It is always darker when you know you have just gone down several levels on the food chain.

Purity

White. It is worn by the bride in weddings, it's the garb of angels.

Yet how do you make the color white? By sticking every other color in, in equal amounts at the same time. Doesn't sound too pure to me. To me, that sounds like the recipe for a really great porno.

Next time you meet some bigot talking about the purity of the white line, explain politely that in that case he/she needs to service seven people of various colors at once. If necessary, use pictures.